JACK: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual
by RoseOwl
Summary: Namaste! You are now the proud owner of a JACK unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don’t want to create an “incident,” do you?


**Disclaimer**: I did not come up with this owner guide/manual idea. I believe that credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, who's idea lead to the creationof owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own LOST.

**The DHARMA Initiative**

**Presents**

**JACK: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

**NAMASTE**! You are now the proud owner of a JACK unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to create an "incident," do you?

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to either destroying the space time continuum or creating four toed mutants.

Your JACK unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Full Name: Jack Shephard

AKA: Doc, The Sexy Surgeon, Amarillo Slim, Dr. Cry Me A River, Chico, Cool Hand, Cowboy, Daniel Boone, Dr. Do Right, Dr. Giggles, Dr. Quinn, The Hero, Hoss, Jackass, El Jacko, Metro, Sheriff, St. Jack.

note: most of these nicknames must be provided from the SAWYER unit before your JACK unit will respond to them.

Porn Name: We leave this option available to your wild imagination.

Manufacturer: DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

Date of Production: Classified.

Age: 37

Height: 6 ' 2

Weight: 185-195 lbs? Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.

**ACCESSORIES**

Your JACK unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:

One SUITCASE OF ISLAND WARDROBE: Sleeveless t-shirts, faded jeans, wrinkled shirts, straw hats, etc.

note: No underwear included. This will either please you or disturb you. Either way, you must purchase boxers or briefs separate.

One VERY NICE BLACK SUIT WITH TIE

Five FIRST AID KITS

One HAND GUN

One EMPTY COFFIN

One TORCH

One FLYING KITE KIT

note: sorry, guys. badly dressed Asian woman with mystical tattoo artistry not included.

One DECK OF PLAYING CARDS

Three STICKS OF DYNAMITE

note: BE CAREFUL WITH THESE!! DHARMA Initiative is not liable or responsible if you blow your stupid ass to kingdom come. Also, if you encounter an ARZT unit: RUN AWAY!!

One MINIATURE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA

Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.

**ACTIVATION**

Your JACK unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure or your JACK unit will not function properly. Worst case scenario: He will wake up as an OTHER and kidnap your baby or someone else's baby in the vicinity.

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Carry him out to your backyard. Or some place with plants or island landscape.

(3). Lay him out flat on the grass. And no groping, please! For goodness sake, there could be kids playing outside.

(4). Carefully open one of JACK's eyes and stare at him until his body shudders to consciousness.

note: The shuddering is quite sexy. You may want to prolong it by closing eye then opening it again in quick motions.

If your JACK does not introduce himself as someone from CANADA then you have correctly followed the procedure.

Upon activation, your JACK unit may be compelled to fix some wound or bruise on you. He may even want to pick that nasty scab on your forearm. Let him do it. This is normal and part of his programming. JACK units will constantly desire to FIX or REPAIR.

**MODES OF OPERATION**

Your JACK unit has been designed for various modes of operation for your pleasure and use. You may require interaction with other units to unlock all modes with your JACK unit.

**DEFAULT **

**DOCTOR**: This your JACK unit's sole purpose and function. He is a certified spinal surgeon but is able to perform general medical practice. REJOICE You will never need to pay those ridiculously criminal medical bills _ever_ again.

**LEADER**: Your JACK unit may hesitant on assuming control of a "situation" but do not fear. He is a NATURAL LEADER. He exhumes a sort of shepherd like aura. It may be magical. Who knows? DHARMA Initiative is still investigating the phenomena. Anyway, how can anyone not look to him? He's a hot doctor.

**HERO**: Cat stuck in a tree? Got a flat tire? Invisible smokey monster chasing you? Never fear! Your JACK unit is here! Never one to abandon a person in need, your JACK unit will jump at the chance to RESCUE you or any other person within a five mile radius.

CAUTION! Your Jack unit will not hesitate to give away all his blood or put himself in danger. The DHARMA Initiative will not reimbursed you if your JACK unit ends up killing himself through heroic endeavors. We suggest you purchase TRANQUILIZERS from our online store to prevent your unit from doing something CRAZY STUPID.

**ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS**

**LOVER**: Unfortunately, you JACK unit will not be apt for a tumble in your bedroom right from activation. He will want to establish a RELATIONSHIP. Even if you manage to get him in bed, you will have to put up with a long conversation afterwards about your day or work with a face of SUSPICION.

Yes, this is a difficult mode to fully develop. Your JACK unit was once married and now divorced by a wife who cheated on him. So your JACK unit is built to be SUSPICIOUS and PARANOID when it comes to emotional and physical intimacy.

Your best bet is to be your self. HONESTY and LOYALTY are required. But your JACK will also be FORGIVING even if you have committed murder.

Thus, the wait and effort is worth it in the long run. Your reward is MIND BLOWING SEX. However, if you are unable to develop this mode or do not have the patience then we suggest the SAWYER unit. The SAWYER unit comes with the default mode of MAN WHORE.

**GOLFER**: As a doctor, your unit is well experienced in this game. We have a full set of clubs and golf balls available at our online website. They are NOT included as an accessory!

**PIANIST**: Place your JACK unit at a piano and watch him hit those keys like a pro! Your unit will suitably accommodate any funeral gathering by playing haunting and melancholic melodies. Plus, he will play oldies like "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

**POKER PLAYER**: All you gotta do is give your JACK unit the deck of cards (which is an included accessory), present a challenge to his skills and something worthwhile to gamble and SHAZAAM!!

Your JACK unit will be kicking ass and taking names at poker nights with your friends, if you set those conditions.

**SLASH**: You believe there was some definite sparks flying between JACK and certain male characters. Now you can play out your particular slashy fantasy in the privacy of your own home. All it takes to unlock this mode is one minute of interaction with a BOONE unit or MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY.

**SPECIAL**

**MIRACLE WORKER**: If you initiate a few minutes of interaction with a DESMOND unit then sometimes (like less than ten percent chance) your JACK unit will gain the ability to perform a MEDICAL MIRACLE.

note: your JACK unit cannot cure cancer. You will need to purchase a BEN unit to do that.

**MARTIAL ARTIST**: For some odd reason, this crazy thing happens now and again. Basically, if you and your JACK unit play MORTAL KOMBAT while eating CHEETOS, your JACK unit gains the ability to perform badass martial arts for approximately 24 hours.

This mode is a mystery. We assume some video game obsessed tech geek must have tampered with certain software. Who knows?

**CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE**

Your JACK unit is relatively easy to keep in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

(1) Sponge bath (with bubbles) or Hot shower and scented body wash.

(2) Three meals a day. Your JACK unit loves some home cooking.

(3) Walk or jog. He needs to exercise to releases stress/tension.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FROM OUR CUSTOMERS**

**Q**: I've been trying to get my JACK unit to grow a beard. But it won't grow past that damn 3 o'clock shadow! Ugh! I want my sexy bearded JACK! Please, help!

**A**: You are referring to a FUTURE JACK unit. We have not produced any of those units yet. Due to constant demand, we are working on developing them. Until they are available why not purchase a BEARDED NATHAN PETRELLI from our partner distributor The Company, Inc. He should be similar enough until we have the FUTURE JACK units mass produced.

**Q**: Recently, my JACK unit is becoming distant and uninterested in me.

We were so happy together! How can I get the magic back?

**A**: Don't feel too bad. This is a common problem among users. If your relationship becomes so complacent that there is nothing to FIX then your JACK unit loses interest. It is fairly easy to remedy. All you have to do is fake either the flu or perhaps a skin disease for a couple of days and your JACK unit will be all over you.

In extreme cases, you may also consider committing a CRIME. However, the DHARMA Initiative will not offer you any legal representation if you are convicted.

**Q**: I was giving my JACK a sponge bath when I noticed some missing "equipment." This is a rip off! I was fully expecting to take advantage of the LOVER mode. How am I supposed to do that?!

**A**: It's your fault since you did not read the fine print upon purchasing your JACK unit. Yes, he comes d--kless. You have to purchase Jack's d--k in a box separately. Or you can use the second d--k that comes with your SAYID unit.

**Q**: My JACK unit did something really creepy today. It looked at me and said "Jacob loves you." Who the hell is Jacob?

**A**: Oh my god! Your unit has been brainwashed by HOSTILES! Hide any pregnant women and children immediately! Then get the handgun and shoot any suspicious people especially if they say they're from Canada!

**Q**: Hi, I'm from Canada. I'm tried of being shot at by you stupid people. I am not a HOSTILE.

**A**: We don't believe you.

**Q**: My JACK unit keeps being stalked by KATE units. What can I do?

**A**: Buy a JULIET unit. She will beat them up for you.

**ADDITIONAL INFO**

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815

NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342

* * *

**A/N**: Thanks for reading! ;-) I've read some guides like this with other categories and was surprised LOST did not have any. I'll be updating this later with a section on COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER UNITS later. 

Anyway, should I do other LOST characters? Comments and suggestions are welcome.


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